When is it time to have the talk?

Although talking about end of life issues can be a very delicate subject, approaching it with any family member can bring about all sorts of emotions, sooner or later, the talk will occur.  Ideally, it occurs during a time when family members have a chance to talk, discuss, ponder, even seek guidance from a spiritual leader or trusted healthcare provider.  However, many are just so uncomfortable with the topic of death; they just use avoidance as their coping tool. The problem is that when a decision needs to be made, during a highly emotional, critical time when moments count, is when the discussion usually takes place.

Is it ever the right time?

            I have to hold back my laughter sometimes when speaking during a non-emergent time period with family when I ask if their loved one has a living will and if they have had this discussion. Almost each and every time, the answer is no. Age does not matter; I cannot tell you how many times I have had this talk with family members whose loved one is approaching 100 years of age. Usually, then I will ask the family when they were planning to have this talk – once their loved one hit 100 or was there some special time frame they had in mind.

Sometimes less is better

            Sometimes when the question is asked of the family, their aged loved one is critically ill. Most of the time because of advanced age and multiple health problems, we cannot fix the patient. No, but we can make that person comfortable as he or she leaves this world. Often though since the family has never discussed such matters, they want everything done. Why it is the American Way to have the most, the best of whatever it is that one can have.

            Only when family members are present and I explain in gruesome detail what I am doing to the loved one, the pain I am causing, the distress...only then will the family say enough!  Then, I can concentrate on making the last days or hours on this earth comfortable, even peaceful. But, how much better would it be just not to put that aged loved one through all the pain until, that is, their family is ready.